Hellsing Goes To The Movies
by wankydoodle
Summary: A series of Hellsing fics inspired by da movies. FINALLY UPDATED! All for one bloody ring...LOL.
1. Chapter 1

Inspired by good ol' movies. Thanks to all who reviewed me last fic. :3 I love you guys. 

Do rate and review.

Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing or the movie.

**SECRET OBSESSION**

The cinema was a dark place, one in which the near blackness hindered her progress forward. The only source of light that guided her was the beam from the projector far above her head. Her ungloved hand reached out to feel her way, coming into contact with various vague shapes that were the seats.

The large, air-conditioned room was empty, and that pleased her immensely. As Integra moved down the steps, she stopped at what she guessed would be the fifth row.

Perfect.

Careful not to bump her shins, she slipped through the gap, making her way for the center. Once she was satisfied that she had an optimum view of the screen, she reached out and yanked the seat down. Sitting down gracefully, she settled the huge tub of extra large popcorn in her lap.

She looked around. Not a soul stirred. Integra was pleased with herself. Coming to the early morning show in a small and obscure cinema was a splendid idea. There was nothing like a good movie to chase away the stress of slaying the Undead.

Even though it was the sixth time she was watching this movie, it always felt as if she had stepped into the cinema for the first time in years. She settled back, her eyes half-closed, her hand reaching down to scoop up popcorn. She shivered slightly. The black printed T-shirt and jeans she was wearing did not provide much warmth.

The relaxing strings of a violin that was broadcasted over the loudspeakers halted suddenly, and the screen came to life. Integra sighed. Commercials were such a pain. She rolled her head back and closed her eyes, munching the popcorn that she had earlier thrust into her mouth.

Her relaxation was short-lived, however, when voices reached her ear.

"Where's our seats?" a sweet voice rang out in the darkness. Integra's eyes snapped open. No, it couldn't be.

"I believe it's over near the front," replied a deeper voice, polite and pleasant. "What does the ticket say? I can't see well in this dim light."

"Why bother? This place is empty. Let's just sit down somewhere. You humans just love to cling to unnecessary rules." The voice was male as well, but it was a deep baritone. Accompanying that was the rustle of heavy cloth. Integra's mouth fell open.

_Christ! _

Her eyes flicked from left to right as her mind raced. She scanned the area around her. There had to be an escape route.

_I can't let them see me here. Damn, where's the nearest exit. Maybe I can slip out through the one in front. At least I won't have to walk past them._

She was about to rise from her chair when the three sets of footsteps drew nearer.

_On no, they're coming!_

She sank back into the seat, trying to stay as low as possible. The tub of popcorn she used as a shield for her face. Perhaps they wouldn't notice her if they didn't see her head. Maybe she could watch the 3 hour show without them knowing she even existed.

Her thoughts were interrupted, however, as someone tapped her shoulder.

"Greetings, Master."

Integra lifted her head and her eyes fell upon the visage of Alucard. His pale skin was dappled with light from the moving pictures on the screen, and it seemed to make him look eerier. His eyes, as always, blazed red in the darkness. He was leaning over a seat, smiling down at her.

Coughing delicately, she clutched the tub of popcorn and used her other hand to push herself up. Turning her head, she faced two more familiar faces.

"Hello, Sir Hellsing."

"Good morning, Sir Hellsing."

Next to Alucard were Seras and Walter. Seras was clutching what seemed to be a chilled blood pack, its surface crusted with ice. She was sucking on its opening as if it were no more than an upsized Coke. To her right was Walter, his jowls moving as he chewed. A hotdog with a piece missing was grasped securely in his right hand.

"Good morning, everyone," she replied in return, trying to keep the stutter out of her voice. She could feel her cheeks grow hot. She prayed that Alucard wouldn't notice.

Suddenly, familiar music blared, capturing all of their attention. Integra ignored the people behind her and returned her gaze to the screen. She had come here to watch this damned movie, and she would very well do it.

Slapping at a shadowy tendril that attempted to snatch come popcorn, she focused on the events unfolding on the screen.

( 3 hours later… )

The sky was cloudy. It looked like it was going to rain.

The group of four people left the cinema, an oddly matched bunch. A short girl with spiky blond hair was talking avidly with a much older man wearing a monocle. Next to them, a tall figure in a red coat, hat and yellow shades was striding, a permanent smirk on his face. In front of the threesome was a relatively tall, blonde woman, still clutching a huge tub of popcorn to her body.

"I loved the way they portrayed life in the 1900s. How authentic. It was fascinating to see the inner workings of a steam ship."

"Well, I actually liked the love story. Can you believe it? He sacrificed his life for her? What about you, Master. What did you like about the movie?"

"The mad scramble of mortals as they neared their doom. Never before have I seen such terror on a grand scale. It was exhilarating."

Seras made a face at him before calling out to the tall woman in front.

"What about you, Sir Hellsing. What did you like about _Titanic_?"

Integra continued to walk, her mind desperately searching for an appropriate answer. There was no way in hell she was going to tell the truth. She turned, and they stopped as she halted in her tracks. She was about to open her mouth when the vampire interrupted her.

"Of course, isn't it obvious." The smile on his face stretched even wider. His eyes glittered with mischief.

Integra tensed, clutching the tub tighter to the front of her body, as if trying to conceal something. She had forgotten that the pesky vampire had the ability to read her mind. She cursed his entire lineage. The colour rose in her cheeks.

_No, God. Save me from this unholy creature…_

All eyes were on the vampire. His stated it simply, without any of the usual pomp or flourish he so loved.

"Why else, Master, would you be wearing a Leonardo DiCaprio T-shirt."

**Author's Notes:**

Would you believe it? I belonged to the 0.0005 per cent of the human race that did not watch the show in the cinema. I caught it later on TV. The dream sequence at the end was so beyoootiful. Sob.

Anyway's first in a series of fics inspired by da movies. Will update soon, depending on feedback. So, really, tell me if it sucks. I can take it. :)

And NO, I do not own a Leonardo DiCaprio T-shirt !


	2. Chapter 2

Phew! I'm glad you guys liked the first fic. I nearly didn't put it up cos I thought it was way too lame. There are loads of funnier fics out there. I die laughing everytime I read them, sometimes a few times a night. Lol.

To DARK-SABER1: Yeap, one Van Helsing fanfic comin' right up!

READ! REVIEW! QUICK!

Oh and guys, suggestions for more movies ta use would be really great right now.

Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing or the movie.

**NIGHT NOISE**

_**Slowly, gently, night unfurls its splendour**_

_**Grasp it, sense it, tremulous and tender**_

The words echoed in her head as she sought the refuge of sleep, dragging her mind away from the pleasant cloud of unconsciousness in her head. Integra stirred under her blanket, blearily cracking her eyes open. Reaching out a hand, she searched for her glasses, randomly patting the side table until her fingers closed around its wire frame. Sitting up, she slipped it on, and objects leapt at her with startling new clarity.

The song had continued on as she roused herself, the singer blatantly unaware of just how out of tune he was.

_**Close you eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams**_

**_Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before_**

_**Close your eyes, let your spirit start to soar**_

_**And you'll live as you've never lived before**_

Integra winced. Not again. This was the fourth night in a row that Alucard had decided to sing this song as he went about his nighttime stroll. She cursed the day that she had given him the _The Phantom of the Opera_ DVD and asked him to go amuse himself with it. Though she had managed to keep him out of her hair for the few hours she needed to finish her paperwork, the price had not been worth it.

For some obscure reason, the vampire had taken a particular liking to one of its songs. And as a result, he often hummed or sang the blasted piece of music whenever he felt like it. It was all right if it was purely physical singing, as she could simply ask him to shut the hell up.

However, the vampire, ever vigilant to the ways of irritating his Master, had decided to do all of it mentally. As a result, it was as if she had a broken record player that was constantly playing right in her head. She had been hearing the damned piece every night since then. Even nerves as hardened as hers were beginning to fray.

She had threatened, bribed, and all but begged the vampire to stop. He would smile at her, and maybe give her an hour or two of peace. But the minute he felt like it, he would start it all over again. And so far no amount of yelling or bullets would make him stop the torture. The vampire was rather adept at avoiding her whenever she went into "Kill Alucard" mode.

**_Floating, falling, sweet intoxication_**

Alucard?

_**Touch me, trust me, savour each sensation**_

_Alucard. Please stop._

**_Let the dream begin, let your darker side give in_**

_ALUCARD! WILL YOU SHUT UP! _

The singing stopped abruptly. It was replaced by a deep, throaty chuckle. The vampire replied.

_**Honestly, Master, I am deeply hurt by your words. Does my singing not please you?**_

_Alucard, let me assure you. You are tone deaf._

_**Really? **_

_Yes, for a vampire that's 500 years old, you sure haven't had a lot of practice._

_**Which means I need to work harder. Do tell me where I go wrong.**_

With that, he began to sing again.

Integra grabbed her pillow and dug her fingers into it in sheer frustration, her knuckles white with exertion. Even though it was unnecessary, she brought the pillow up to her head and pulled it down over her ears, squeezing her eyes shut. Finally, her eyes snapping open, she flung the pillow away from her. She watched as it sailed to the opposite wall, hitting it with a loud thwack before sliding down to the floor.

**Softly, deftly, music shall caress you**

_Good Lord._

**_Hear it, feel it, secretly possess you_**

_Damn it! _

**_Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind_**

_Oh yes, I can imagine me pushing him off a cliff right now._

_**In this darkness which you know you cannot fight**_

_Irritating bastard._

_**The darkness of the music of the night**_

_THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD ENOUGH! _

Integra leapt out of bed, pulled on her robe, sliid her feet into her slippers and stormed out the bedroom door. Cursing Alucard in every single way that was humanly possible, there was only one thing on her mind:

SEARCH AND DESTROY

(Half an hour later… )

The vampire was enjoying himself immensely, walking slowly on the little stone path, the moonlight glinting off his silky dark hair. He wondered why he hadn't thought of it earlier. Being able to broadcast his thoughts straight into Integra's mind was an advantage he should have been able to spot years ago.

Right now, he knew it would be only a matter of time before she approached him, as always gun in hand. But he was always too fast for her, disappearing into a nearby wall long before she reached him. It was so amusing to see her go red in the face and hear her yells for him to come out. _Tut tut, Master. Surely you know I'm smarter than that. _Until she presented him with the next assignment, there was still much fun to be had.

And so he continued to walk along that pathway that was close to the side of the mansion.

It was a beautiful night, and he had the perfect song to match it.

_**Let your mind start a journey through a strange, new world**_

_**Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before**_

_**Let your soul take you where you long to go**_

_**Only then can you belong to me**_

He stopped in his tracks, looking up at the full moon. It was a glowing gem in the sky, luminescent against the black velvet of night. He paused for a minute to enjoy its beauty, then continued on to the next part of the song. So intent was he on his crooning that he failed to take notice of the pale blond head that was sticking out the window above.

_**Floating, falling, sweet intoxication**_

_**Touch me, trust me, savour each sensation**_

_**Let the dream begin, let your darker side give in**_

_**To the harmony which dreams alone can write**_

_**The power of the music of the night**_

He closed his eyes, really getting into the swing of the song. Up above him, the figure seemed to be struggling with something. The next two lines were the most powerful part of the piece, and he had only one person in mind as he sang it.

He paused for a while before allowing his mental voice to swell, struggling to bring out the emotion in the final part of the song.

_**You alone can make my song take flight**_

_**Help me make the music of the n-**_

_SPLASH_

_**WHAT THE HE-**_

CONK

**_OWCH!_**

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, VAMPIRE! OR NEXT TIME I'LL HOSE YOU DOWN!"

**  
Author's Notes:** I dunno. It just seemed like the sorta song a kooky vampire like him would wanna sing. The movie bombed I think, but the songs are still great!

wanky's sound dictionary:

SPLASH: Water falling on Alucard's head.

CONK: Water bucket making contact with abovementioned vampire's head. .

OWCH: Expression of pain by said vampire.

Rate and review.

Please, pleady pleady please...

Suggest some movies too. :)


	3. Chapter 3

Sorry for the long update. I got shipped off to camp. Basically, wading ankle-deep in muck isn't exactly a good source of inspiration. 

Oh and thanks so much for all your support! It really makes my day. )

Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing or the movie. Don't sue!

**Family Portrait** (REVISED)

"And what are both of you doing in here?"

Integra stood beside the doorway and glared at the human and the vampire. Walter was plugging in what appeared to be a DVD player into the socket on the wall below it. It sat on top of the television set like a flat cap. Seras was lifting a large white sheet that was covering a sofa, the dust floating off from it in little clouds. She sneezed. Both of them were in the spare guest room, one of many in the mansion that had remained unused for years.

Seras looked up, guilt evident all over her face. Walter simply straightened up and greeted her in his usual brisk and calm manner.

"Good evening, Sir Hellsing. We were just about to watch a movie."

"Really?" she said, stepping into the room. "What is it?" Though Integra didn't feel inclined to watch television in general, today she had felt rather bored. It was strange for her to feel so restless, and she put it down to the fact that there hadn't been a FREAK incident in days. It was another one of those lulls between outbreaks, and she had no idea what to do with the extra time on her hands.

"Here you go, Sir Hellsing," replied the young vampire. She reached out to the side-table beside the sofa and took up the DVD cover. She handed it to the taller woman, and then hurriedly began to fold up the sheet so as to place it to one side. Integra looked at the cover and frowned, her brows knitted together. She flipped the cover and read the synopses at the back, her eyebrows arching upwards with surprise.

"I never thought I'd see a movie with my ancestor's name as the title. And they got the spelling wrong too. It's Van Hellsing, not Van Helsing. But I must say, it does sound promising. I wonder why I've never heard of it?"

(15 mins later…)

All three of them were seated comfortably on the sofa, facing the television set. Seras was in the middle, Integra on the left and Walter on the right, clutching the remote control. A huge bowl was cradled in Seras' lap. Being the middle person, she of course had the honour of holding on to the popcorn throughout the movie.

Walter was about to press the PLAY button when a familiar figure rose out of the floor in a swirl of black mist, effectively blocking the screen.

"Alucard, move," cried Integra to the smiling vampire. He was looking at all of them, as usual completely at ease. He placed his hands on his hips, which together with his wide red coat, made watching the show impossible without him budging.

"My my… This looks like a gathering of some sort. May I join in?"

Integra gave him an icy cold stare, and though it seemed normal, Seras and Walter knew it was another one of their mental sparring sessions. After a while, however, it appeared that Alucard won. Integra's eyes narrowed before she gave a tired sigh.

"All right… all right… as long as you get out of the way…" cried the exasperated Hellsing.

Alucard nodded, as if satisfied with her answer. He sauntered over towards her side of the sofa and gazed down at blonde woman. Without even turning to look at him, she spoke, clearly annoyed.

"What now?"

"I want to sit down, Master."

"There's no space here. I suggest the floor," she said without looking at him. Walter had started the movie, and the credits were rolling onto the screen. She didn't even glance at the vampire, instead grabbing some popcorn and popping it delicately into her mouth.

"Then I'll make room."

He then proceeded to squeeze in beside her, causing a small commotion on the sofa.

"A-lu-card!"

"Awww… Master."

"Honestly."

Everyone had to shift to the right to let him in. He grinned like an idiot, settling his lanky frame down on the seat. One arm was draped on the backrest behind Integra. She sat forward a little, her back ramrod straight, giving him the most withering glance she could manage. Chuckling lightly, he said nothing, instead turning his face towards the screen.

And so the movie began.

( Some time later… )

"I don't understand. How can they even DO THIS!"

"Shhhhhhhhhhhhh…"

"They've completely CHANGED EVERYTHING!"

"I'm afraid I must request that you be quiet, Sir Hellsing. The movie is not yet over."

Integra's eyes were glued to the screen, her eyes flashing an angry electric blue. The hands on her lap were balled into fists. Gritting her teeth in an obvious show of frustration, she forced herself to relax by taking deep, calming breaths.

She failed, of course, and her nostrils flared as her eyes snapped open.

Beside her, Alucard was transfixed by the events on the screen. He was starting to smile to himself, and made little ho hum noises. This only served to irritate the already agitated Hellsing further.

"Enjoying the movie, Alucard," she hissed in an angry whisper.

"Indeed," this was followed by a sigh. "If only my real brides looked half as good as them. Then I wouldn't…"

He stopped at the sight of Integra and Seras glaring at him.

"Fine. I'll keep my comments to myself… And my thoughts, Police Girl," Alucard said moodily, sinking down further into the sofa. His right arm that rested on the backrest shifted forward a little.

Suddenly, there was a loud click. A cold barrel of steel was shoved against his temple.

"I'll appreciate it if you kept your hands to yourself as well," hissed Integra.

The vampire straightened up, absentmindedly removing his hand from her shoulder.

( Near the end of the movie… )

"T-this can't be happening…"

"Shhhhhhhhh…"

"How can this be…?"

There was the sound of a roar from the screen, followed by an exceptionally long wolf howl.

"WHAT IN BLAZES IS-"

"SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…!"

"Master, it is rude to talk during a movie."

"Talk? TALK? Who wants to talk! I want to MURDER THE SCRIPTWRITER!"

"Shhhhhhh… please Sir Hellsing."

"I will NOT SHUT UP! This is ridiculous. A mockery of the Hellsing name. A-"

"Sir Hellsing, please stop shouting. We can't watch. I've been wanting to see this movie for ages."

Integra's yells were now reduced to angry mutterings. She crossed her arms, her eyes locked angrily on the screen. She was seething with rage. Alucard began to chuckle. He was clearly enjoying all of this. Integra flicked her azure eyes towards him.

"Well at least _I'm_ not a giant flying rat."

The chuckling stopped.

( After the movie… )

"Oh, Walter, it's all my fault."

"Don't blame yourself, Miss Victoria. You had no idea."

Outside, angry shouts could be heard all the way down the quiet corridor. Two people were talking, one trying in vain to calm the other down. Being the only one who could regenerate fast enough, Alucard had volunteered.

"Changing his name from Abraham to Gabriel…"

"Master, please calm down."

"Making him work for the Vatican… taking orders from those damned priests…"

"Master, it's only fiction."

"TURNING HIM INTO A BLASTED WEREWOLF!"

"Well, Master, I actually found that rather amusing."

The pairs of footsteps halted. There was a tense silence.

"Alucard, I have a mission for you."

"Yes, Master." He sounded relieved. At least the woman wasn't going to shoot him.

"You are to leave no survivors, do you understand?"

"Indeed, Master."

"You better pack some things with you."

There was a pause.

"Where am I going?"

High, cold laughter echoed eerily down the hallway.

"Hollywood."

**Author's Notes: **

I thought the werewolf that Van Helsing turned into looked really awesome. Much better than the scraggly dogs from "Underworld", "An American Werewolf in Paris" and especially "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban".


	4. Chapter 4

Finally, an Order of Iscariot fic. Been wanting to do one for a long time. Sorry if the dialogue sucks. I don't do German and Irish accents.

Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing or the movie. Sue me not!

**IN LIEU OF A DREAM**

"Die! All yer hellish freaks!"

Anderson cried out his usual Irish-tinged battle cry as he sent another wave of bayonets spiraling out around him. They pierced the fleshy corpses of the zombies, effectively spearing them. However, unlike the usual ghouls, they did not turn into dust. In fact, some of them continued to lumber towards him, groaning slightly.

Anderson did not even panic. Using his bare hands, he punched the nearest rotting form. The head was smashed in, and the sickening creature let out an unearthly howl. Blood spurted out and drenched his white glove. His other hand moved in with a blessed blade, and with an expert swipe, he lopped off its head.

The zombies moved nearer, unperturbed by the death of one of their own. Indeed, a few of the creatures were already stopping at the corpse, and in front of the disgusted Priest's eyes, they began to devour it. A new wave of anger rose in the Paladin, and he let out another yell.

"Perish in Hell!"

Spying one that was approaching him, dragging a foot that was grotesquely bent at an unnatural angle, he raised his bayonet. Not even needing to think, he flung the sharp object at it. It sailed through the air, flying straight and true towards the intended target.

However, he never saw if the bayonet hit its mark.

For in that instant, something exploded in the back of his head.

And he was spiraling down into darkness.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Father Anderson groaned as he floated back into consciousness. There was a dull throbbing pain somewhere in the back of his skull. He tried to move, but he stopped as the pain rose in intensity to something sharp and piercing. His eyes fluttered open, and he winced against the bright light that was shining down from the lamp above him.

"He's coming too..." said a familiar voice.

"It's about time. I can't believe he did all this."

"You shouldn't have hit him so hard…"

"He's a regenerator, Maxwell. He'll live. Besides, he's already crazy. A slight tap on the head might actually help."

Enrico's face swam into view above him, as well as that of Heinkel. The Iscariot leader and assassin stared down at him, both peering into his face. Anderson propped his elbow up against the floor and began to get up. Enrico immediately reached out to help, bracing his back as the older man sought to sit up. Once that was done, the blonde man turned to the woman and hissed at her.

"Put that down, Heinkel. He won't hurt anyone."

"Ah vell, if you say so."

Heinkel lowered the ornate gold candlestick that she was clutching in both hands. It was heavy compared to her guns, and she was glad to be able to put the thing down. The only sign that it had been used beyond its means was the fact that it was bent to one side.

That, as well as the huge lump on the back of the Paladin's head.

Anderson looked around the room, trying to piece together what had happened. It was all so hazy. The place was completely thrashed. Bayonets were imbedded all along the walls, as well as Bible pages that clung to them like enormous "Post-It" sticky notes. The sofa lay on its back, and it was sliced beyond repair, the stuffing poking out through the holes. Various objects lay shattered on the floor, and a few paintings had been damaged, their facades cruelly scratched. More furniture was overturned, and the whole room looked as if a tornado had recently passed through it on its way to Kansas.

The hardest hit, though, was the TV set. A blade stuck out if its shattered screen, smoke curling out through the gaping hole.

However, the damage wasn't on Enrico's mind as the Paladin's eyes grew larger. He pointed at his clothing.

"You're sleepwalking again."

Anderson looked down at his clothing and blushed. He was dressed inhis PJs, his coat pulled over it in an odd fashion. He looked up, embarrassed, at the two Iscariot members, one kneeling beside him while the other stood, arms crossed.

"I… can't remember anything."

Enrico's reply was cut short by some banging. All three of them looked around, trying to trace the origin of the sound. It appeared to come from a tall broom closet in the corner, as if someone inside was struggling to get out. Without another word, Heinkel crossed over and pulled the wooden door open.

Sister Yumiko was standing there, the back of her gown pierced by a bayonet that pinned her up against the wall. She tried to move forward but stopped at the sound of ripping fabric. The sharp blade of the bayonet had already torn a large hole in the back.

"Help" squeaked the hapless nun. Her spectacles were settled precariously near the tip of her nose, and she hurriedly pushed it back up again.

"Yumiko," Heinkel growled as she tugged at the bayonet to free her. Enrico and Anderson approached from behind, both looking concerned.

"What happened? When we came in here the room was dark," asked Enrico, eyeing Anderson sternly.

"I was… we were… actually I was… watching this… the _Resident Evil_ marathon… on TV… Father Anderson… he came in to… to watch with me… After that, he left for bed… I… I continued watching when he came into the room… I was going to hide in the closet when he… he threw a bayonet at me. I… closed the door to… protect myself."

This all came out in stops and stutters, but all three Iscariot members understood Sister Yumiko fully. They sighed.

"Give it here, lass. I'll do it," said Anderson sheepishly. Heinkel stepped back, allowing the tall priest to reach over and grasp the blade. He grunted as he struggled to pull it free. Putting all his strength into it, he finally shifted it out in one swift motion.

However, Sister Yumiko's gown got snagged on the blade. As a result, the forward motion pulled her over as well. She collapsed right on top of him.

There was an awkward silence.

"Er… Are yer alright, lass?" Anderson asked. He was colouring slightly. Sister Yumiko had her head bent down so he couldn't see her face. Suddenly, something fell onto his stomach.

"Sister Yumi-ko?" asked the priest tentatively.

The petite nun looked straight up at him, her eyes narrowed. Then her face broke into s sinister smile, as if something amused her greatly. Yumie reached out to her right, her fingers curling around the bayonet that was now lying on the floor beside them. She quoted a line from the movie.

"My name is Alice. And I remember everything."

There was a loud thud behind him as the door slammed shut.

Father Anderson suddenly found that he was very much alone.

**Author's Notes:**

For those not familiar with the show, Alice is the name of the lead female character who was previously under the employ of the Umbrella Corporation, a top-secret R & D company doing controversial research. When a new virus was unleashed in the underground complex, it revived those who had died in the lock-down to become mindless walking corpses. Alice struggles to stay alive, and continues to do so in the second movie when the city above gets overrun as well.

Not exactly a funny fic, but I think it's quite fun.

I love _Resident Evil! _:D Anyone here play the game?


	5. Chapter 5

Such wonderful suggestions I've recieved so far. I'll try my best to write as many as I can. :)

Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing or the movie.

**HERE BOY! **

The Hellhound was sitting up on the wooden floor of the spare bedroom, its ears drooping dejectedly. Around its neck was a silver collar, which seemed to match the silver anklets and chains that bound its four feet. Below the immense shaggy form, the Hellsing seal pulsed like a grotesque pyrotechnic display. The large, black dog blinked moodily, each pair of its three sets of eyes slightly out of sync with the others.

Integra stood in front of it, staring angrily down at the creature. Her clenched fists were on her hips, her face a mask of cold fury. In one hand, she held on to something black and rectangular.

The Hellhound whined.

Integra's eyebrow twitched. She launched into her tirade.

"ALUCARD! YOU STUPID VAMPIRE! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO GO RUNNING AROUND IN HELLHOUND FORM! YOU ATTRACT TOO MUCH ATTENTION! THIS IS THE THIRD TIME I'VE HAD TO EXPLAIN AN EIGHT-EYED DOG TO TWO SCARED POLICEMEN!"

_But, Master. I was just having some harmless fun. There was a dog catcher on my tail. I had to get rid of him._

"SO YOU DECIDED TO HAVE HIM FOR A SNACK!"

_Oh Master, a gross exaggeration. It was only a slight nibble on the leg._

"THE MAN HAS BEEN WARDED IN INTENSIVE CARE AND INTENDS TO SUE! I DO NOT CONSIDER THAT A GROSS EXAGGERATION!"

The dog looked up, its tail switching slightly, throwing up a small cloud of dust. All six eyes widened, in what the vampire thought would be an adorable expression. The result was far from what he expected.

Integra glared down at Alucard. The ice in it could have frozen the Sahara Desert three times over. The dog stopped its tail-wagging and dropped its gaze.

"Well, it doesn't matter. I should have let them throw you in the pound but you would only escape. I expect that the only way for you to learn your lesson is for me to punish you myself. I hope you'll keep this in mind next time you decide to run off like a rabid animal."

Turning around, she strode over to the large TV that had been brought in and set up just for the occasion. It had a wide screen, and on either side were two tall and slim speakers. It was a home theatre set, designed for crisp images and surround sound. Bending over, she slipped the tape into the VCR.

Once that was done, she pulled up a chair from a corner and crossed over to the dog. Setting it down just to Alucard's left, she sat down and crossed her legs. Integra held up the remote.

"This used to be one of my favourite movies when I was young. It brings back good memories."

With that last statement, she pressed the PLAY button.

(One hour later… )

The sounds of the movie echoed down the quiet hallway, the paintings on the wall the only witnesses to what was occurring inside the room. The sounds were loud and clear. Integra had turned the volume up to the maximum, so as drum the show into Alucard's skull.

Intense, dramatic music filled the air as something dire happened to one of the main characters.

"OH NO, TIMMY'S FALLEN INTO THE RIVER!"

There were the sounds of splashing as the boy in the movie struggled, as well as the rush of water over rocks.

More nail-bitingly tense music.

The barking of a dog followed, and with it there was a change in background accompaniment. Now it was something uplifting and triumphant as the faithful animal leaped into the river after its master.

This was followed by a loud howl cum yell.

It did not come from the movie.

"OOOOOWWWWWWOOOOOOOO….NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! PLEASE MASTER! NO MORE! NO MORE…"

The cackle of Integra's manic laughter cut though the vampire's screams. However, it failed to hide the next bit of dialogue.

"Oh Lassie, you saved me. I love you sooooo much… You're a good dog, yes you are… I love you so much, yes I do…"

Integra snickered some more. She hadn't had this much fun in ages.

After all, there was nothing like a good, wholesome, family-orientated animal drama to drive a sadistic vampire to the brink of insanity.

**Author's Notes:**

Timmy owns a dog, called Lassie, who has to constantly save him from dangerous situations. Let's face it. The kid is a walking disaster zone.

I pity the dog.

Sorry the ficcy is so short. This is a brief interlude for the next fic that I'm working on. It's gonna be difficult to write, cos I need to do some research first. Hence, I need more time. :)


	6. Chapter 6

Hello all! (waves) Sorry for the long update. I had the flu.

Sankyuu for all the reviews! I was working on my other fic when this popped up in my head.

Never let a vampire plan your itinerary.

Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing or the TV show. Sorry, folks. Not a movie this time.

**VACATION**

The ruffle of papers was the only sound in the silent office, its lone occupant busy at work as she cleared the last of the evening's written reports. She sat backwards in her chair, rolling her shoulders slightly to chase away the dull ache there. Lifting up a hand, she reached up and delicately covered her mouth as she yawned. Gradually her eyelids sank lower, and soon she was on the verge of sleep.

There was a knock at the door. Her eyes fluttered open. Even so, they remained half-lidded, making the dark circles around her twin blue orbs more prominent.

"Come in," she called out, her voice dull.

Walter, the ever-reliable Hellsing retainer, strode in. His heels clicked on the tile flooring as he moved. He stopped in front of her desk.

"Good evening, Sir Hellsing. I've come to inform you that dinner is ready."

Integra stifled another yawn that was threatening to come out and interrupt her next sentence.

"Thank you, Walter. But I'm afraid I don't want to have any dinner. I think I'll retire early tonight."

The old man studied her tired face for a moment. Then, his lips stretched into a smile.

"Sir Hellsing, have you ever considered taking a break from work?"

"A break? You mean a holiday? How can I, Walter. There's so much to do."

"Indeed. But paperwork can be put off for a while."

"But what if there's another FREAK attack?"

"I'm sure Captain Bernadette and I are more than capable in handling one."

Integra looked down to the table for a moment, considering his words.

"I do suppose a beach resort stay would be pleasant. I have been really exhausted lately."

"Exactly, Sir Hellsing. After all, you are still young. You should enjoy yourself once in a while."

Integra gazed up at the fatherly figure before her. She replied, some warmth creeping into her tone.

"As always, Walter. You give the best advice."

Meanwhile, somewhere in a wall nearby…

Alucard listened intently to the little conversation, his sharp ears not missing a single sentence. A corner of his lips arched upwards in a smirk.

_So, Master's going to take a break… This could be useful._

An idea formed in the vampire's head as he continued to plot.

After all, he was still smarting from the punishment Integra had given him after he had run around in Hellhound form. He admitted it had been unsporting of him to attack a weak human and nearly tear his leg off, but the man had been an insufferable creature. Chasing after him with a net and shouting at the top of his lungs. He was asking for it.

But to chain a vampire like him up like that and force him to watch… He shuddered as he remembered. Some images and sounds crept into his brain and he shook his head to clear it. Following that torture he had been unable to shoot straight for a week. His enormous vampire ego had taken a thorough bashing.

But now it was payback time.

(An hour later…)

Walter rushed about, checking his watch as he did so. He was way behind schedule in most of his chores, and so he walked quickly down the corridor. Now he had an additional thing on his mind.

How to plan a vacation for a Hellsing?

There would be the problem of booking air tickets, getting proper accommodation and sourcing the right resorts out. It was quite a hassle really. For Walter, doing all those things usually took the fun out of the trip. Or maybe he should consider getting one of those package tours for her…

As he turned a corner, he stopped just in time, avoiding a collision between himself and the vampire who was blocking his path.

"Oh, good evening Alucard. I would love to chat but I have to…"

"Hold on, Walter. Is it true that Master wants to go on a holiday."

Walter blinked in surprise. He never knew the vampire had taken up eavesdropping on Integra's office as a new hobby. He had better tell her next time.

"Yes. I suggested that she needed a rest. I think she wants something relaxing."

Alucard nodded seriously, as if pondering what the retainer had just told him.

"You know, Walter. I have the perfect thing mind. It's on this secluded island with white sandy beaches, blue sky…"

"Really, that sounds promising. Where is it? I can book a room."

"Actually, Walter, you seem a bit overworked yourself. What if I took over this time?"

Alarm bells began to ring in Walter's head, but he decided to question the vampire further before coming to a decision.

"I don't mean to be rude, Alucard. But why?"

"What do you mean, why?"

"Why are you helping me?"

Well… Out of the kindness of my heart…"

"Alucard, you don't have a heart…"

He stared as the red-clad individual before him smiled slyly.

"Let's just say that if Master takes a break, I get a little time off as well. In fact, the longer she stays the better. Perhaps she might even consider extending her vacation time. Really, Walter, you just have to _trust_ me."

The retainer considered his answer for a moment, and then finally came to a decision. What Alucard said did make sense. He nodded his head.

"Very well, Alucard. Thank you. I'll leave it all to you then. Good evening."

(2 weeks later…)

"Here you go, Sir Hellsing, your air tickets for the trip. You'll be leaving this Friday."

"Thank you, Walter. And where am I going?"

"Um… well, I have to be honest with you, Sir Hellsing. I did not plan your holiday this time… It was Alucard."

Integra's mouth fell open, and the cigarillo toppled out of her mouth and into her cup of tea with a plop. There was a hissing sound. Walter offered to change her cup as she gingerly fished it out

"Oh bother… Wait a minute, what do you mean Alucard planned my holiday?"

The retainer hesitated for a moment, and then shrugged.

"I'll be honest with you, Sir Hellsing. He offered to help me arrange for your holiday. So I let him."

Integra's eyes narrowed suspiciously. Then, all of a sudden, she burst out laughing. It was weird, and Walter stared. He put it down to severe sleep deprivation.

"So, he wants to get rid of me that badly eh? All right then, I'll go on this vacation he's planned. But did he at least give you more details."

"Well, he told me your destination will be an island somewhere in the South Pacific. He informed me that you'll be joining a travel group to see the sights."

"Hmm… as long as they don't try to talk to me then I won't mind… Anything else?"

"Nothing much. Just that you ought to wear something more suited to the weather."

"It's all right, Walter. I'll just go in my suit. I can always change at the hotel. What is it called?"

The old man stayed silent for a moment, trying to remember.

"He didn't say. Just that you'll be well taken care of by the tour guide. Oh and…"

"Yes, Walter?"

"There are some things we have to see to first. I'll give you the details later. Alucard warned that there would be lots of surprises, so you shouldn't be too alarmed if you don't understand what's going on. He said that if he revealed more it would ruin everything, though he did mention something about the tour having an adventure theme."

"Really? This should prove interesting. Is that all?"

"Yes, Sir Hellsing."

"Thank you, Walter."

Walter bowed once and then left her office.

Integra looked down at the slim envelope in her hands, addressed to a "Miss Integral Livingstone", the official alias she sometimes used for travel. The small rectangle was plain white save a coloured logo with a burning torch in the middle printed at one corner.

It was a strange logo for a travel agency… and it looked oddly familiar. She had seen it somewhere before.

Shrugging her shoulders, she brushed the matter off her mind as she flipped open a file.

After all, the vampire wanted her to have a long holiday. So whatever he had in store for her had to be good enough for her to want to stay on. Images of pristine beaches, azure waters and luxurious hotel suites filled her mind.

After all, what was the worst that could happen?

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

(2 weeks later…at the Vatican …)

Enrico Maxwell was rather bored.

In fact, so bored was he that he did something he usually did not do on a Friday night.

He watched TV.

Or more accurately, he channel surfed.

"The T2000 blender dices, slices and makes cooking a bre-"

_Click_

"AHHHHHHHHHH! GET AWAY FROM ME YOU PSYCHO! AHHHHHHH-"

_Click_

"Weeeee wiiiilllll, weeeeee wiiiilllll ROCK YOU!"

_Click_

"There I was, all on my own. No money but with two mouths to feed…"

_Click. Click. Click._

"Such blasphemous programming. Is there nothing good on? So what if we have cable…"

His prayers were answered however, on the next channel he switched to.

_Click_

Tribal music filled the room, the beating of drums providing a catchy accompaniment to the chanting.

'This looks interesting. I wonder what these people are doing on the beach…"

He took another sip of tea, his eyes glued to the screen.

Suddenly he choked on it, coughing and sputtering as some of the tea threatened to go up his nose. Father Anderson, who happened to pass the door outside stopped and rushed over.

"Maxwell… yer all right."

"Heavens, I'm fine," he gasped. "Look." He coughed once more to clear his throat.

Anderson looked up and froze.

"Well I'd be damned…"

"I didn't believe it myself."

There were the sounds of someone swearing loudly at the camera.

"VOTE ME OFF! VOTE ME OFF IMMEDIATELY!"

"Oh no, she's not going to…"

They grimaced at the same time as someone yelled.

"That has got ter hurt."

"I can't believe she attacked the host with a coconut..."

Both of them sat down in front of the TV. It looked like they were going stay there for a while.

"Now this is what I called entertainment."

Anderson's last statement said it all.

"Aye. An English sow on Survivor."

**Author's Note:**

A group of people get dumped on an island where they have to survive without modern conveniences. Each week one person gets voted off by the rest, and finally one wins a million bucks.

Lotsa back-stabbing, sniping, bitching and double-crossing. Don't you just love reality TV?

I don't know when Integra will get voted off. But I'm sure she'll survive.

Though I doubt Alucard will when she gets back.


	7. Chapter 7

I'm sorry for the long hiatus. The lethal combination of a flurry of school activities and severe writer's block had prevented me from finishing this fic earlier.

Thank you all for the reviews! I've sent out some thank you mail. Do check your inboxes. I'm sure it's there.

And thanks once again to all who've replied me with suggestions. All have been duly noted down. :)

And now presenting… a rather ridiculous fic written just for fun.

Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing or this wonderful film.

**LORD! IT'S A RING!**

Part One: Oh My…

The aroma of freshly brewed tea filled the room, its tingling scent itself a welcome wake-up call to Integra's sleepy brain. It was still too early in the morning to do anything in particular, and she was just sitting back in her chair, enjoying the peace and quiet. After three nights of FREAK incidents, there had thankfully been none the night before. Her soldiers could finally have some proper rest, as she had herself.

However, as always, her body thought otherwise. She still felt strangely drowsy, and even with the tea, failed to completely snap out of her stupor. She closed her eyes, intending to take a little nap, when there was a distant crash. This was followed by more crashes, bangs, thumps, some yells, a few screams, what sounded like a neigh and… the clatter of hooves?

Integra shot out of her chair, now fully awake.

What in God's name… 

She listened, trying to pinpoint the origin of the noise. It seemed to be coming from the lower levels of the mansion.

After about five minutes, the thumping sounds grew louder, as if the source of it was coming up the stairs at one end of the corridor outside. It was not a neat series of one thumps, but a garbled mixture. It had the rhythm of footsteps belonging to different people running as a group.

Integra tensed, slipping her handy little Beretta out of the drawer and pointing it towards the door. She stalked out from around her desk, moving forward and to the side to stand by the window. She did not intend to be an unarmed sitting duck for whatever that was rushing towards her now.

The sounds were increasing in intensity, the creators clearly not grasping the concept of a stealthy and silent attack. Locking her wrist, Integra raised her arm and aimed at what would have been the chest level of a man.

But it was an overestimation.

For when the door swung open, in rushed in four of the shortest humans she had ever seen. They were just slightly taller than her waist, had curly hair and hairy unshod feet. Indeed it was a queer sight, and for a moment, she just stared at the four of them, and they at her.

The one in front with dark hair and clear blue eyes broke the silence first.

"It's coming. Quick, under that."

And by some method that defied the Laws of Physics, ALL of them managed to squeeze underneath her desk.

Integra gaped, completely astounded by what she was seeing. She slapped herself on the cheek and felt the sting of pain.

_Ow. No, I am not dreaming. There are really four gnomes hiding under my desk._

She closed her eyes and opened them again for clarification. Once she was sure she had not gone mad, she started to question the four strangers.

"W…wait. What, I mean, who are you? Why are you here? How did you-"

"You'd best hide, uh… Ma'am. Whatever's comin' is right nasty," said a slightly plump individual with light brown hair and a kindly face. He had stuck his head out to talk to her.

"It'll chomp you up and spit you out," a voice shot out from under the table.

"Yeah, and you'd be dead before you know it," added another.

Integra turned towards the face and the voices, her back towards the open door. She let her gun arm fall to her side as she relaxed, not sensing a threat from the four midgets fighting for space beneath the firm wood.

"I don't know what you all are mumbling on about. But whatever it is, I am not going to-"

Integra stopped abruptly as the "person" she had been speaking to withdrew his head back under the desk.

"Shhh…be quiet. If we do it'll go away."

The Hellsing Director's brows were knitted in confusion. She had no idea who these people were or how they had managed to get past the guards at the front gate. She had to speak to security about this, perhaps fire a few of them for this gross oversight. She called out to the four cowering individuals.

"You all have somehow managed to breach our security. I don't know whether your diminutive size has helped but one thing is for sure."

A chilly draft of air wafted down her neck, making goose pimples rise on her skin.

"Alucard, desist."

"Now where was I? Yes, there will be a thorough investigation into the matter and I-"

She felt the brush of heavy fabric against her back and legs. She spoke, and as she did so, glared out of the corner of her eye.

"Alucard, for the last time, will you-"

She stopped, realizing something.

First of all, what she spied was not the usual red clothing she associated with the irritating vampire, but something a deep black in colour. It fell in the same folds as his cloak, but Integra saw only cloth and nothing else. Not the usual curve of his shoulder or the cravat that adorned his chest.

Secondly, it was daylight. Alucard generally hated to be up and about once the sun came up.

And so the thought struck Integral Wingates Hellsing that the person behind her could not be her servant, but someone, or something, else.

_Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn_.

Possibly something much, much worse.

Integra turned around slowly, raising her eyes to what was behind her. They rolled upwards as she took in its great height.

_This is going to be a long day._

Step by step, she backed away from the tall figure. It loomed over her like some sinister personification of Death, a hooded being swathed entirely in heavy black. It made no sound as it moved, and nothing stuck out from beneath the cloak, apart from the metal claws that were both clasped around the handle of a sword.

Which was raised high above her head.

_Christ!_

The blade came down lightning-quick, but Integra managed to dodge it by jumping to the side and rolling onto her shoulder. It struck the floor instead with a shrill screeching sound, scratching a deep gash through the tile where she had stood just a few seconds ago.

Integra got up quickly, and resting on one knee, raised her gun and fired.

The bullets hurtled towards the thing, but did not seem to harm it. The small pellets struck the creature, and each time one did so there was a _ping_ that resembled the sound of metal colliding with metal.

However, it seemed oblivious to the fact that it had been shot three times, intent instead on its quarry hiding nearby. It raised its head, as if sensing something beyond the physical plane.

Suddenly, the Ringwraith snapped to attention, its hood turned towards the desk. It held out the poison-tipped blade once more, and glided over to where the four hobbits were hiding. It stopped in front of it, raising the blade.

No, please, not the… 

**CRASH! **

…_antique Victorian desk._

The four hobbits had leapt out just before the blade struck, effectively slicing the expensive piece of furniture in two. The four of them separated, each in turn trying to get to the door before the Ringwraith got to them first.

However, the Ringwraith was only interested in one of them. It charged towards the dark-haired hobbit.

He screamed, and then ducked.

"Mister Frodo!"

And the blade smashed into the bookshelf instead.

That was only the beginning.

For after that, Frodo ran towards the glass display cabinet.

**CRASH!**

Followed by the suit of armour.

**CRASH!**

And then the window.

**CRASH! **

More pieces of furniture.

**CRASH! BANG! SMASH! **

Sigh…

Finally, Frodo managed to reach the door where Sam, Merry and Pippin were waiting for him. All of them raced out of the room, leaving Integra alone to stare at her wrecked office.

It was now more like a disaster zone.

Suddenly, something caught her eye.

Though it was fairly small, its golden hue made it stand out starkly against the black and white flooring. It shone dimly in the pale morning sunlight, looking very much like any other normal piece of jewellery.

A ring.

_I've never seen it before. Maybe it belongs to one of the short people._

Without thinking, she reached out and grabbed it, thinking that she would probably return it later. The hooded figure began to move towards her.

She gave a shout that could, quite literally, wake the dead.

"ALLLUUUUCCCCAAAAAARRRRDDDDD!"

And with that, she raced out the door, a mad and hissing Ringwraith hot on her heels.

(Meanwhile…)

There was a loud, shrill scream. It seemed to be coming from the kitchen.

Along with the sounds of smashing crockery and the rattle of metal utensils.

Walter raced towards it, taking out the special gloves from his vest pocket. In Hellsing, you always had to be prepared. Ghouls, FREAKs and vampires never played by the rules.

However, when he reached the kitchen, what he saw made the usually cool retainer freeze in his tracks.

For in that kitchen, apart from the maid that was hiding beneath the table, there were two additional people.

Both of them wore strange robes that reached down to their feet. One was decked out in pure white, his snowy hair falling straight past his shoulders. He had one arm raised up, and in it he was clutching what appeared to be a long, silver staff.

The other was dressed in a shabby-looking robe the colour of dust. His equally grey locks were more unruly and fell in matted waves. He faced the white wizard, and in his hand he raised up a knobbly wooden stick.

"Yield to Lord Sauron, Gandalf. You cannot win!"

"Never, Saruman. You have been tainted by his evil!"

Saruman chuckled as he tilted his staff and Gandalf was lifted off his feet. He fell to the floor with a crash.

Walter took the opportunity to dash towards the table near the door where the maid was hiding. The two wizards were so intent on battle they seemed to ignore everything and everyone around them.

"Are you alright, Annie?"

"Walter, thank God you're here. I was just preparing breakfast when these two loonies came in."

Annie whispered, trembling slightly. She was in her twenties, a new arrival who knew little of what really went on at Hellsing. Right now she was crouched on the floor, oblivious to the fact that her black blouse, skirt and white apron were getting wrinkled and slightly soiled.

Walter opened his mouth to reply when a shout from the white wizard interrupted him.

"Bend to my will. Or I shall make you suffer!"

Saruman took a step towards Gandalf, chuckling as he did so. The wizard on the floor began to stir.

"You will never become great, Gandalf, for you cling to useless morals. You're a pathetic excuse for a-"

Saruman's words were interrupted, however, as two eggs smashed into his face.

On the floor, Gandalf had raised his staff, smiling sweetly as he did so. Behind him, the fridge had opened up, revealing the egg tray attached to the inside of the door.

There were two empty spaces.

'I will never give in!"

Gandalf cried out as he got to his feet.

Saruman reached out and wiped the yellow, sticky yolk off his face. Pieces of shell still clung to his visage, now contorted with rage.

He raised his staff, and behind him the kitchen cabinet door flipped open. A packet was levitated magically out. Saruman waved his wand, sending it sailing towards Gandalf.

**POOF!**

The packet of flour exploded as it hit Gandalf's head. A small cloud of it surrounded him, and he coughed.

Gandalf the Grey was now er…white.

"I don't believe this…" muttered Walter as he stooped beside the table.

"A food fight!" cried Annie, surprisingly with glee.

In the next few minutes, both of them watched, awestruck.

"You are merely a pawn to Lord Sauron!"

Gandalf sent a head of lettuce flying towards Saruman, who easily whacked it with his staff.

"He will give me great power!"

Saruman then threw a tin of sardines at Gandalf, who sidestepped out of the way. It crashed into the top shelf of the fridge.

"He never shares power."

A fish shot out of the open freezer compartment, slapping Saruman on the cheek.

"Gah…He rewards people who serve him well. Something you fail to UNDERSTAND!"

An open bag of salt hit Gandalf, and some of its contents leaked into his eyes. The wizard bellowed, in a mixture of anger and frustration.

"You're nothing but a FOOL!"

Saruman sputtered in surprise and fury as he made contact with a banana cream pie.

Both wizards were now at a stalemate. The kitchen began to shake as they gathered their power.

Behind Saruman, face dripping with cream, the cutlery drawer slid open. Out came knives, forks and spoons that floated in the air around him.

Similarly, Gandalf, still sprinkled with flour, reached out with raw energy and tore pots, pans and other cooking utensils off the wall.

"I think it's time we made our exit. Don't you agree, Annie?"

Clutching the girl's hand, he lifted her to her feet as she slid out from under the table. Together, they stumbled out of the kitchen.

As they hurried down the corridor, a cacophony of smashing cooking utensils and cutlery reached their ears.

What on Earth is going on? 

**Author's Note: **

Indeed, what is going on? For some reason, the LOTR characters are appearing in Hellsing.

Hmmm…

Could it get any worse?

Why of course… ;)

Please read on.


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing or the movie

**LORD! IT'S A RING! **

Part Two: More Chaos

(1 hour later…)

All over Hellsing, pandemonium ensued.

The Dining Hall

"MY PRECIOUSSSSS… HE MUSSSSST HAVE IT!"

"You are crazeeee!"

Pip cried out as the lanky creature pounced on him, knocking him onto the floor. The Frenchman tried to push it off, but Gollum had its grimy fingers firmly clenched around his neck. The obsessed creature lowered its face, its huge, pale eyes locked onto Pip's.

"THE RING! THE RING! WHERE ISSSSSS IT!"

Pip struggled, but the weight of the thing on his chest kept him pinned to the floor. The gun in his hand was out of bullets, but he used it to try and beat at Gollum. He called out to a fellow officer.

"Offizer Victoria!"

A short distance away, Seras was having some trouble of her own. Her Halconnen long out of ammunition as well, she was now using it to protect herself. She swung it at a charging orc, successfully smashing it into its skull. The orc tumbled onto the dining table, then rolled onto the floor.

"I'm a little busy right now-ahhhhhh!"

Seras cried out as another orc grabbed her from behind, its powerful grip trapping her arms. The Halconnen slipped from her grasp, clattering to the floor. The ugly brute snarled as she struggled, and the Draculina winced as its putrid breath hit her face.

Suddenly, there was a whistling sound. Something flashed past her line of vision.

There was a growl of pain as the arms around the young vampire loosened abruptly. Then, as Seras turned to look, the orc fell backwards and crashed to the floor.

It was dead, an arrow sticking out of its forehead.

"Are you all right?"

Seras glanced upwards to see a young man with chiseled features and steady eyes looking down at her. He long blond air tumbled down his back, and slightly pointed ears stuck out on either side of his head. In his right hand he clasped a bow, and as he spoke he retrieved another arrow.

"I… I'm fine."

_(Behind them…)_

Pip had managed to get up. However, he was hopping on his left leg while shaking his right one.

Gollum was clinging to the latter like a leech, refusing to let go.

"I.-DON'T-HAVE-ANY-RING!"

"HE LIEEEESSSSSS!"

_(Meanwhile…)_

The vampire and the elf faced each other now, both oblivious to the intense battle between the soldiers and orcs that raged around them. Seras could feel herself blushing.

The elf bowed.

"I am Legolas, Prince of the Elves."

Seras hesitated for a moment before replying.

"My…my name is Seras."

_(In the background…)_

Pip was still shouting for help as Gollum began to climb up onto his shoulders.

"Giveeeeeesss it to usssssssss!"

"Zeeeerrraaazzz!"

Gollum grabbed Pip's braid and yanked hard.

"OW!"

_(Back to our happy couple…)_

She continued to gaze at the elf prince, ignoring the sound of gunshots, the clash of metal, the shouting, and the pleas for help from a certain captain.

"This is no place for a maiden such as yourself."

Seras looked coyly down at the floor. She could feel herself melting into a puddle under his appraising gaze.

"Please don't call me that…"

_(In the background…)_

Pip was running around, Gollum's arms now wrapped around his head.

"GET OFF! GET OFF!"

"THE RIIIIIING! THE RIIIIIIIING!"

_(Legolas and Seras again…)_

"…I am no-Captain Bernadette!"

The captain had collapsed beside them. He was panting hard, his face slightly blue. At the base of a nearby wall, Gollum lay unconscious in a crumpled heap.

Seras raced to his side, concern evident all over her face.

"Are you all right? Captain Bernadette, speak to me!"

The exhausted mercenary gave her a lopsided smile.

"Fine…fine… Nevere better."

And then he passed out in her arms.

In Front of the Main Staircase

"Eleven!"

"Fourteen!"

"Sixteen!"

Walter merrily flicked his wrist. With that one movement, near-invisible steel wires slashed through the air, slicing appendages and other things that came into its path.

Another body landed heavily on the floor.

"Twelve!" he called out to his two comrades fighting beside him.

The short and stocky man to his right grunted in recognition. He had a large beard that nearly obscured his face, save his small and determined eyes. Though not impressive in stature, the helmet and armour that he donned made him look formidable indeed.

In addition to all that, he wielded a large battleaxe, which he brought down upon the head of an orc.

"Not bad at all, stranger. Fifteen!"

Over to Walter's left, there came another shout.

"Is that the best you can do, Gimli? Seventeen!"

The tall and slim man who said this was sliding a bloody sword out of a dead body. He had black, matted hair and sported a short beard. Aragorn flicked back his black cloak with a nonchalant air, straightening quickly as another orc came rushing at him from the side.

It was all over in one swift blow.

**THUD!**

"Eighteen."

"That's Aragorn for you. Nothing but a show-off."

"You're a sore loser, dwarf."

The three of them were standing back to back, fending off a band of Sauron's minions. Though superior in numbers, they still had a long way to go when it came to fighting skill.

"Thirteen!" cried Walter with barely-concealed amusement as his wires brought down one more of their number. .

_This is much more fun than serving tea all day…_

In the Hallway Leading to the Sitting Room

_Where is that godforsaken vampire?_

Integra mentally cried out as she ran down the hallway, passing the huge ancestral portraits and a stately grandfather's clock.

Just a few paces behind her, something was catching up. The noise of pursuit reached her ears.

_Damn. I thought I'd lost it in the fray back there. _

Indeed, in her haste to get away from the Ringwraith, the Hellsing Director had ceased to be surprised at the fact that orcs had overrun the mansion. She had spent the last hour fleeing from the creature, dashing through rooms and corridors, dodging swords, bullets and an orc or two.

To make things worse, just a few minutes ago, the Ringwraith had been reunited with its equally demonic-looking steed.

Now she was heading for the sitting room. Located on the ground floor of the mansion, it would prove to be a possible dead end for her unless she could get out through the windows and into the back garden.

_Nearly there… Just through those doors. _

Behind her, the ring of hooves slamming against the floor only grew louder.

She pulled open the tall, dusty doors and entered the enormous room. It had a high ceiling, with elegant Renaissance art pieces gracing its walls. Pale sunlight slanted in through the windows along one side, falling upon the sheet-covered leather furniture and the old fireplace that was the centerpiece. The place had not been used since her father's death ten years ago.

Panting hard from all the exertion, she went to the nearest window, desperately turning the latch.

It was rusted shut.

She tried the rest in turn, putting all of her remaining strength into it.

All of them failed to open.

She moved in front of the fireplace, reaching under her jacket and pulling out a small pistol. Her eyes narrowed as her mind contemplated her current circumstances. She gazed at the adjacent wall as she thought hard.

_There's no point breaking the glass. The gaps between the window frames are too narrow for me to pass through._

The sound of beating hooves swelled and then abruptly stopped, drawing the blond woman's attention back towards the entrance to the sitting room.

_Wonderful._

There the Ringwraith appeared, its hood nearly touching the top of the doorframe. It was seated high upon a jet-black horse that snorted and pawed at the ground, the animal's nail-embedded hooves scratching the floor. Without any perceptible movement on the part of its rider, the horse suddenly moved forward until it was in the room but in front of the doorway.

The only exit was now truly blocked.

The Ringwraith slid off the horse in one fluid motion and glided forward, its cloak billowing slightly around it as it moved. In the claws of its right hand, it hefted the same sword she had glimpsed earlier.

_Bullets don't seem to harm it…_

_But I've got nowhere to go…_

She raised her gun.

_I'm trapped like a rat._

Her finger rested on the trigger.

_But I won't go down without a fight._

She squeezed it, and gunfire exploded from the weapon.

Just a few paces in front of her, the Ringwraith continued to approach, relentless in its pursuit of the one ring.

Integra stepped backwards, continuing to fire until the inevitable happened.

**Click**

_No._

Her left shoe hit the grate of the fireplace with a dull clang.

As if on cue, the Ringwraith suddenly dashed forward, raising its sword in preparation for the kill.

Integra threw her arm up to shield herself.

Then she felt something cold grab her…and everything went black.

**Author's Note:**

More LOTR characters, and more mayhem ensues.

I basically just wanted to throw the Hellsing and LOTR bunch together to see what would happen.

But the problem is, I got carried away and now I have to think of how to explain this. Haha.

Actually I do have a reason, but it's so incredibly stupid and lame. Help! I'm not sure if I should put it down…

Oh well, in the mean time, do review. We'll just wait and see.


	9. Chapter 9

Oh yes… I've been a bad, bad person. I'm sorry to have kept you all hanging in the air for so long. The truth is that I've been having a bit of creative constipation. And no… banging your head against the table doesn't help. It just gives you a headache.

And now, without further ado…

Disclaimer: I do not know own Hellsing or the movie. Impure souls who sue me will be banished into eternal damnation. Amen.

**LORD! IT'S A RING!**

Part Three: Some Answers

(7 mins later…)

"YOU DID WHAT!"

"Please, Master, not so loud…"

The Hellsing Director's voice was amplified by the closed walls of the hidden room she and the vampire were standing in. Tucked behind the shelves of the library, it was one of the many secrets of the mansion that few knew about, not even Integra herself. Alucard had earlier pulled her down to safety through the floor above.

Though the vampire had saved the last Hellsing from certain death under the blade of the Ringwraith, Integra was still far from pleased, especially after hearing his explanation.

"This is-is RIDICULOUS! It doesn't make sense. It's IMPOSSIBLE!"

"Technically, Master, my being able to open portals for travel in the first place does defy logic."

"BUT WHAT IN GOD 'S NAME MADE YOU OPEN ONE INTO A TV SCREEN!"

"Well, Master, simply because I was bored. And curious."

To Alucard's great satisfaction, Integra's eyes widened with rage and directed another death glare into a brick wall. It was adjacent to the one he was currently leaning against, and she had completely no idea. Seeing in the dark was a privilege reserved only for vampires, and even as the formidable Master of one, she was still limited by human constraints. He toyed with the ring she had given him in his hand while enjoying the spectacle before him.

"I never realized it would have such _terrible_ consequences."

That set her off again.

"I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK ALUCARD!"

"I never asked that of you, Master…"

"I HOLD YOU RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS!"

"I humbly accept this responsibility…"

"FIX IT!"

At that moment, there was a rumble that seemed to shake the very foundations of the building itself.

"What was that?"

"Our biggest problem of all."

Despite saying so, the vampire didn't look the least worried. In fact, he seemed to find the whole crazy fiasco very amusing.

"Alucard… explain."

Integra crossed her arms and continued to stare angrily at the wall. Alucard reached out and waved a hand in front of her eyes, but her gaze never wavered. Her blue orbs were locked on what she thought was his face, a spot to the right of where he was leaning.

Withdrawing his hand, he let out a chuckle.

"I left the portal open in my haste to protect the staff from a scourge of orcs. I never expected anything else to come through…"

"What do you mean _anything else_?"

Another rumble.

"I'm afraid I cannot dally, Master, else the creature rip Hellsing from its roots."

"Creature?"

"You really would not want to know, Master."

He slipped the ring into an inner coat pocket.

"Do not worry, Master. I'll take care of it. Perhaps I could even have some fun in the process..."

And in a swirl of red and black, the vampire phased through the wall he was leaning against and disappeared.

"Alucard?"

Silence greeted Integra's query.

"Alucard… You can't just leave me here…"

She stood still for a moment in the inky black darkness.

"ALUCARD!"

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

(The Morning After…)

All over Hellsing, things were getting back to normal…

Well, as normal as they could ever hope to be.

In every part of the mansion, repairs were being made, messes cleared and injuries tended to. It was a blessing that there had been no FREAK attacks the night before. No one would have been fit enough to handle it.

**The Kitchen**

An extremely exhausted Walter entered the room to make himself a cup of coffee. He had been up nearly all night scrubbing stains, disposing of dead orc bodies and removing debris. After such heavy work, tea wasn't sufficient. A good strong dose of caffeine was what he needed. He could barely keep his eyes open.

He searched through all the cabinets, praying that the wizards had at least left the coffee powder alone. Indeed the white wizard had used every single last tin, packet and can in his attempt to fight the grey-clad one. It would be a miracle to even cook in this place again.

To his disappointment, the glass container was gone, but in its place was a packet of instant coffee sachets. It was just as well, perhaps, as he remembered that the milk and sugar would probably have been destroyed in the fight. Filling up a kettle and placing it on the stove, he leaned against the counter for a breather.

That was when his eyes fell upon a small envelope addressed to him. He picked it up and opened it, sliding out a slip of paper.

_Dear Walter,_

_I'm sorry to leave you like this but I simply can't stay. You're real nice but I don't think Hellsing is a suitable place of work for me. Yesterday, I nearly had my head cut off by one of those nasty creatures. I really don't like to think what could happen next. You see, Marie's told me about what you lot really do here. Even though the pay's good, I just don't feel comfortable with the fact that you fight the Undead. _

_Enclosed with this note is my letter of resignation. Please pass it to SirLady Hellsing for me. I'll be honest, she scares the living daylights out of me sometimes so I daren't do it myself. I've packed my things and left for a friend's place. You can contact me at the address written on the back of the envelope._

_Warmest Regards,_

_Annie_

_PS: I promise I won't tell anyone. But then again, no one would believe me anyway. _

The retainer put down the piece of paper with a sigh. Hellsing would be lucky if any of the staff stayed on after this incident. There were already a few who were still too traumatized to talk. One of the chambermaids was still gibbering about monsters in the bathroom.

The scream of the kettle brought him back to reality and he walked over to take it off the stove.

**The Infirmary**

"Captain Bernadette?"

Seras was peering down at the Frenchman lying on the bed, his head swathed in bandages. He appeared to be unconscious or sleeping, his one good eye peacefully closed. Seras nudged him on the arm but there was no response.

She dragged over a chair from a corner and sat down by his bed. The Infirmary was packed with people injured from the orc invasion, and the small medical team had been struggling with the influx of patients. Since no nurse was available, she had decided to look for the Captain herself. She finally found him in a bed in one corner, near the window.

"Captain, I don't know if you can hear me… But I just want to say I'm sorry."

There was no response.

"I didn't mean to ignore you or anything…"

She halted for a moment, wondering if her voice was too loud. After all, she was separated from the next patient by a very flimsy screen. If any of the other men found out she was apologizing to the Captain she would die of embarrassment.

She cleared her throat.

"Like I was saying, I didn't mean to ignore you or anything… I was just thanking Legolas because he saved me from an orc."

The fact that he still appeared to be knocked out only served to encourage her further.

"I do admit… I was a little smitten by him, and I do recall hearing your shouts. But I really didn't think you were in any grave danger. "

She paused for a moment.

"That is… until you fainted in my lap."

And Seras, being the sweet person she was, began to blame herself.

"It's all my fault, I never should have been so weak in the first place. After all, I am a vampire now. I should have been able to protect you."

"I'm so sorry, Pip. Please wake up."

Suddenly, she stood up.

Was she imagining things, or had Pip's face twitched ever so slightly. With her improved eyesight she tended to notice things other normal humans would miss. There was no mistaking it. The corner of his mouth had moved.

She bent over him and studied his face.

"Captain Bernadette? It's Officer Victoria here."

She leaned closer.

"Pip? Pip, are you aw-mph!"

Seras never got to finish her question as Pip had suddenly raised his head and pressed his lips to hers.

He finally let go when she began to squirm.

"Itz alright, _Cherie_."

He sank back to the pillows with a sly smile on his face.

"You were awake!"

Seras glared at him.

"Of courze..."

"You tricked me!"

"I didn't want to interrupt…"

Seras gritted her teeth, her hands balled into fists.

"How could you! You made me so worried!"

"It was interezting… I wanted to hear what you had to zay."

"YOU WERE MOCKING MY CONCERN!"

"No, _Cherie_, honezly it waz just a joke… You zould have zeen your face."

He started laughing but stopped when he saw how Seras' eyes had darkened dangerously.

"Zeraz, pleaze, don't get zo angry..."

This was followed by silence interspersed with heavy breathing.

"Calm down…"

He began to get worried when he saw what she did next.

"Zeraz… Why are you taking that water ju-"

**SPLASH!**

Random cursing in French.

"Ha ha, Captain Bernadette. I hope you found that funny too."

**The Office**

Integra stood in front of the door to her office and peered through.

No, she had not developed X Ray vision.

There was simply a large hole in it.

It appeared as if someone had hacked through it with an axe.

_Another item to add to my list… a new door._

Reaching out a hand, she clutched the doorknob and pulled

The doorknob came off, a piece of wood still attached to the brass base.

Integra blinked at it for a moment, and then flung it over her shoulder. It landed with a loud crash but she didn't bother turning. What was some more damage when half the mansion needed to be rebuilt.

Feeling utterly stupid, she pushed the door open instead. It swung on loose hinges with a groan. Stepping inside, she noticed that most of the splintered wood and shattered glass had been cleared, though she still didn't have a desk or chair to sit at or on.

Instead, most of her salvaged documents sat in neat piles. She found her cigar box placed on the top of some files and slid a stick out. Lighting it with the lighter from her pocket, she let out a weary sigh.

She crossed over to the window, which still lacked glass panes, and peered out over the Hellsing grounds. She couldn't help but cringe. The whole place was in a mess. It looked as if wild elephants had stampeded through the estate.

The Hellsing Director stepped back and drew the curtains shut, not wanting to think any more about the damage… or of anything at all. She already had a small migraine.

Her brooding thoughts were interrupted by a familiar cold presence in the room.

"Morning, Master."

Alucard sounded eerily cheerful.

Integra let out a stream of smoke.

"I see that most of the damage has been cleared."

Integra remained silent.

"I hope not too many were injured."

Still no response. Alucard probed her thoughts but drew up a blank.

"Master, are you giving me the cold shoulder?"

She wouldn't even give him her signature sideways glance.

"Oh well then I'll just run along and have a little late-morning snack before I-"

"Wait!"

The vampire turned around and looked at her. The blonde woman was still gazing at the closed curtains.

"What took you so long?"

"Excuse me, Master?"

"Alucard…"

She took a deep breath.

"Alucard… you left me in the dark for FIVE HOURS! WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU!"

Indeed by the time the vampire had taken her out of the room, she had been nearly delirious for a cigar.

"Oh, I was a little occupied."

"Pray tell… WITH WHAT!"

She was giving him the full force of her electric blue glare now.

"Oh… it's a surprise Master. You'll find out soon enough."

He bowed to take his leave and then disappeared through the floor.

Integra had no idea what he meant but didn't bother asking. Moving forward, she was surprised when her foot hit something that wasn't on the ground before.

Picking up a copy of "The Times", her eyes widened when she took in the newspaper's headlines as well as the blown up photo on the front page.

It was of a tall creature made up entirely of flame, with curling horns and a skull-like face. The monster's right fist was raised, and in front of it was the cracked remains of a domed building.

Above it, in big, bold writing:

**FIRE MONSTER TRASHES VATICAN CITY **

**Reports pages 1-11** **Pictures pages 1-20**

**Author's Note:**

Ah! Finished at last! Omg I am soo happy. I hate leaving things undone.

Anyway the fire monster in question is the Balrog, an enormous fire demon that dwells in the dwarf mines of Moria. It was eventually vanquished by Gandalf as later seen in the sequel _Two Towers._

This fic was largely based on _Fellowship_ cos it's the movie with the least convoluted plot. :)

Anyway thanks so much for the reviews! And yes all you clever people guessed most of the ending. That should teach me a lesson next time I insert a cliffhanger. Lol.


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